


Paper Thin Line

by Priceless



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Spike/OC - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:09:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 15,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priceless/pseuds/Priceless
Summary: Post NFA, Buffy learns that Spike is alive, so goes to LA to find him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song Paper Thin Line by Emilyn Brodsky.  
> I owe massive thanks to my wonderful betas GoSpuffy and TriBel, and to American Aurora for all her help with the Americanisms.  
> Also a big thank you to everyone on the Buffy Forum, especially flow and Stoney and all the gang in the Spuffy Appreciation Group

Chapter 1

She eases herself up the bed, dropping her head heavily on the pillow with a sigh. She wipes her mouth and turns to Spike.  
'Do you need to eat?' she asks  
'No. I'm good'.  
The woman lifts her arm, ready to wrap it around the vampire. Spike pushes the arm away, though not unkindly.  
'Don't. I'm going to sleep,'. He turns over but doesn't close his eyes.  
\---------------------------------------------------------

London

Buffy knocks but there is no answer. The office is empty. She looks through the open books on the desk. Checks the contents of several envelopes. Flicks through the desk diary. The phone ringing makes her jump. She takes a breath before answering  
'Rupert Giles' office. He's not available right now, can I take a message?'  
There is a moments silence, then 'Buffy?'  
Buffy takes another breath 'Angel. What's up?'  
Another silence. How awkward we are she thinks. What's wrong with us? What's wrong with me? She drops down into the chair behind the desk. She knows she should sit in the opposite chair as she is the visitor here, but she doesn't.  
'Is Giles there?'  
'Um nope. Sure, I said he wasn't available,'  
'Yeah, sorry. Of course. How are you?  
Now it was Buffy's turn to be silent, but she gives the expected answer 'I'm good. Better than good. Great. How can the Council help the helpless today?  
She can hear the smile in his voice when he answers 'How are you really? Getting used to London life?'  
He cares, she knows that. Don't they love each other? Isn't that a thing between them, or had she imagined it? 'I miss home of course, but London’s great. Everyone’s fine. I'm thinking of going back to school, finishing my degree.' She hopes she sounds positive.  
'Not lonely?'  
He wasn't buying it. Not even to be polite.  
'Sometimes' she answers, 'You must be the same, back at the hotel, the old job. By yourself.' She didn't have to be polite either.  
'It's different. I was alone for a long time, I can do it again' Buffy remains silent, not sure what she could say.  
'Come to LA' he says suddenly 'It's a mess here, we could use your help'  
She'd known things had been bad. She hadn't wanted details, but she's heard about the battle, about Wolfram & Hart vanishing overnight. She thought she’d heard Giles muttering about them relocating to Vegas.  
'I can’t . . . There's the Council and I’m . . . finishing my degree,’ It sounds so stupid thinks Buffy. Like a lie. Which of course it was.  
The door opens and Giles enters. He is surprised to see her but he smiles. The smile vanishes as Buffy holds out the receiver to him and mouths 'Angel'.  
'Ahh Angel, and what can the Watchers Council do for you?'  
Buffy stands and stretches her arms above her head, feeling the tension in her shoulders. LA? The weather was warmer than fall in London. There'd be no Giles or Willow constantly checking on her, trying to ‘engage’ her and force her to ‘participate’. She’s come to hate those words.  
Giles put the phone down. His distrust of the vampire evident in the abruptness of conversation. 'He wants the Council to send a team of slayers over there. He sounds completely overwhelmed. What do you think Buffy, should we send a team?'  
Buffy stops her pacing and stretching and stares at Giles. He has the decency to look a little rueful, but he doesn’t look away. Buffy drops down into the chair opposite 'I don't care. Send a team. Or not. It's your council, they're your slayers.' She wishes she could sound angry, but she knew she just sounds tired.  
'Ahh, well, that's not strictly true ' Buffys look cut him off, so he changes tack 'Anyway, I think it would be helpful to... .err . . . I was thinking of sending Andrew and a small team. Three or four. Maybe have them stationed in Los Angeles permanently’ Giles became distracted by this thought and began writing notes on a pad he kept on his desk, Buffy forgot for the moment.  
Placing her hand on the writing pad, she stops Giles from scribbling. He gives her a quizzical look and Buffy finds herself saying 'I want to go. To LA. I want to go'


	2. Chapter 2

Spike closes the door behind the woman. She'd run her fingers down his cheek, across his chest, looking at him with lust and pity. Once they'd finished, he'd pushed her out of the flat. Now he throws himself into his chair. His belly full but the rest of him emptier than before. He grabs a book from the pile and tries to read.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------  
'Well, I'm happy you've decided to do something, at last. But LA?' Dawn crinkles her nose in distaste 'Are you sure that's the best place for you?'  
Buffy slips another shirt off its hanger, folds it as neatly as she can before placing it in her suitcase. 'We grew up in LA Dawnie, it's basically our home'  
'Mm mm' came Dawn's unconvinced reply 'Grew up with Angel too' she says, raising an eyebrow  
Buffy turns to her, surprised 'How can you even think . . . ? This has nothing to do with Angel. Well, not nothing, he needs my help. Our help. The Council. But it certainly has nothing to do with me and Angel, in that way' Buffy's voice becomes a whisper 'As if I could ever . . . ' Dawn wraps her arms around Buffy's shoulders, wishing she hadn't spoken.  
'Sorry sorry sorry' she whispers gently.   
The sisters hug for a moment before Buffy pushes Dawn away and continues packing. 'I need to do something Dawn, you've said that yourself. What could be better than going to LA, getting back to real slaying?'  
Dawn just smiles. She wants to warn Buffy to be careful, Angel only ever brings heartache, but Buffy sounds so positive, Dawn stays silent.  
Giles, on the other hand, does not. 'You cannot go to LA Buffy. We need you here. It's too far. Dawn is here, she needs you. And Willow. The Council needs you. I can send a team, you don't need to go'  
Buffy holds her hands up, 'Giles, Angel asked me. He requested me. Requested Buffy the Slayer. What sort of Council would we be if we didn't provide the customer with what they requested?' She was laughing at him, Giles knew, and it irritated him more than he expected.  
'The absolute arrogance of that vampire’ Giles railed, surprising Buffy at his vehemence. He stalks out of the room, muttering under his breath.   
Buffy wishes, not for the first time, that she'd not agreed to live at the new Council offices, because it meant anyone could knock at the door of her flat.   
'Hello' she greets Andrew, 'I thought you were in Paris or was it Rome?'   
She flicks the switch on the kettle, ready to offer her visitor a cup of tea. Andrew stands at the door of her tiny kitchen, looking extremely nervous and wringing his hands 'Tea, yes, that would be great. Err . . . Giles asked me to talk to . . . err . . . The thing is LA. Yes LA. Dangerous. Danger Zone. Yes, Clear and Present Danger. So, unless you are at your peak strength, it is not the place to be. No way Slayer'   
Buffy hands him a mug of tea and waits, as Andrew goes trotting off on a tangent 'Harrison. Fine, fine actor. Great great. Han of course. And Indie.' Andrew looked wistful for a moment, takes a seat in the tiny living room and smiles up at Buffy, who had followed him, though only literally, gripping her own mug of tea.  
'Ahh, yes, well, LA is it?' he continues. 'Buffy. Sometimes a man has to do what a man is asked to do. Sometimes a secret has to be kept,'  
'Secret?'  
'Yes, secret,’ Andrew stands and begins to walk around the couch 'A secret. An LA secret. Confidential. An LA Confidential Secret,'  
'Andrew. What do you want?' Buffy sits, her back to Andrew so he has to walk around the couch to see her face. He sits next to her, places his mug on the coffee table and coughs nervously.  
'Buffy, sometimes a man, in the course of his work, is told things. Confidential things. Secret things.'  
'Victoria's?' Buffy asks, deliberately attempting to derail him.  
'What? No. Not Victoria's. I am sworn to secrecy and cannot divulge this, err . . . secret. But I beg you, beg you, Slayer, not to go to LA. It will not end well for you,' Andrew leans forward, a serious look on his face, the height of dramatic effect.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
He lightly grips the pen, flexing his fingers, hoping for the words to come. Pointless. He pours himself another drink. Bloody wanker, too stupid to write, nothing works. He puts on his duster, he has to go outside, he's nearly finished the bottle. He could get one of his visitors to buy him whiskey, but occasionally he feels the urge to leave this damned flat.  
\--------------------------------------------------------  
'I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you want to tell me a secret, I'm all-ears-Buffy,' She was intrigued, but Andrew had a habit of over-dramatizing even the smallest things.  
'It's a secret Buffy, I can't tell you, but you cannot, under any circumstances go to LA,'  
'Okay,' she nods.  
'So you won't go?'  
'Oh no, I'm going, but thank you for this... .' she waves her hand in his direction, ‘weirdness,'  
Andrew throws himself back on the couch, crosses his arms across his chest and sulks. He looks so young, but Buffy refuses to take pity on him. She sips her tea while Andrew contemplates his options.  
'Very well Slayer, I am forced by circumstances to divulge what I swore never to tell to a living soul.' He gulps, stands, paces, then sits down again. He knows what he’s about to say is going to be difficult for Buffy to hear, but he feels he has no other option than to tell the truth and hope that both Buffy and Spike can forgive him.  
Buffy waited, knowing Andrew won’t be able to withstand the pressure of silence. She was right.  
'Spike' he whispers, his voice so low Buffy can barely hear him. 'Spike is in LA'  
Buffy stares at him, hardly comprehending his words. He wasn’t making any sense.   
'I saw him. When I went to collect that poor, poor Slayer. She's doing remarkably well now you know. Not ready for battle just yet, but in time. Oh yes, we are very hopeful,'   
'Hu-huh,' Buffy manages to nod, as though she understood a damn thing that was happening.  
'So. Err, yeah. So I saw him. He asked me not to tell you. I was only doing what he asked me to do,' Andrew's voice now had a whine to it, trying to shift blame she suspects. 'So. Yes. That's the thing. So I'll be going now'  
Andrew stood and made to leave, but Buffy's hand shot out, grabs his wrist and flings him back onto the couch.   
'Stay here Andrew.' Buffy thinks she might be in shock. She was definitely shocked. She can’t think straight, she struggles to believe it’s the truth. For a moment it feels so wonderful, but then sorrow chokes the wonder. Why hadn’t he tried to find her? Spike was alive and he didn't want her to know. What the hell? He was alive, or at least un-dusty and not burnt up in an inferno. He was still in the world.  
She feels like she should have known. Should have felt him somehow. But she hadn't. She'd believed what she'd seen and looked no further. She’d just accepted he’d sacrificed himself and his reward would be to finally find some peace. Now she felt angry at herself. Angry at him and at Andrew for not telling her.   
'Who else knows?' she asks, trying to keep the exasperation out of her voice.  
'Well, Rupert of course. And Angel. And . . . no, that's it. Oh, and Spike of course,’ Andrew grinned, trying to lighten the mood and not get himself killed, which he thinks may be a possible ending, seeing the look of fury on Buffy's face.  
'And not one of you thought to tell me?'  
Andrew stays silent. He values his life.  
'Ok Andrew, you've proved you can keep a secret, well done. Now you're going to keep this one for me. Do not tell anyone that you've told me. Do you understand? No-one,'


	4. Chapter 4

Connor visits sometimes, bringing booze and cigarettes, the occasional blood bag, though he knows that's not necessary. He'll sit and chat, sometimes he stays for hours. Eventually, the kid will turn the conversation to the mission, fighting the good fight, joining the team. It’s all pointless bollocks to Spike so they end up arguing and Spike has to tell him to leave. He misses the company when the boy has gone and regrets his temper.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------  
Willow drives Buffy to the airport. She’s humming along to the songs on the radio. She’s content with life. Happier than Buffy has seen her in a long time. They chat about nothing much and Willow seems genuinely pleased that Buffy is going back to California and is finally doing something.  
As they pull up to the drop-off zone, Willow says ‘I have something for you, just in case’  
She reaches down to the foot well, picks up her purse that had been laying there and pulls out a small box.   
‘Oh Willow, this is so sudden’ Buffy jokes. Willow smiles and plays along, the joke reminds her of times past when their relationship wasn't so complicated.  
‘No silly, I’m far too young for that sort of commitment,’ Old friends sharing a silly joke. ‘I know things haven’t been great, not since Sunnydale,’ Willow continues ‘You’re my best friend, no matter what Buffy, and I’d do anything to help you. I hope you know that?’  
Buffy nods, she feels tears start to prick the back of her eyes.  
‘Well this is just a small thing, a token,’ She handed Buffy the box and Buffy opened it to find a tiny brooch in the shape of a polar bear, speckled with diamonds. She looks up at Willow with open mouth.  
‘You hate it?’  
‘Oh no Will, it’s beautiful. Thank you’  
‘Well, big surprise coming from me, but it isn’t just a nifty little brooch that will go with just about anything. It’s magical.’ Buffy frowns, but Willow quickly continues ‘Oh but good magic. Very good magic. It passes all the Covens rules and regulations.’ Willow sounded quite proud of this achievement.  
She takes it from the box and pins it to Buffy’ jacket. ‘If you ever feel sad or anxious or scared, which I know will not happen because, hey, Slayer here, but if you do, just touch this pin and you’ll feel calmer. It’ll clear your head, help you think and steady your nerves, ok?’  
Buffy doesn’t know what to say, so she just hugs her friend tightly. ‘Why a polar bear Will?’ she asks after a moment.  
‘It just seemed right. Some of the Arctic peoples believe that the polar bear is human and only puts on a bear hide when they go outside, to conceal who they really are, to blend into the snow. Polar bears are humans, in disguise. Now let’s get you outta here before I get a ticket.’   
Buffy sits in the airport bar awaiting her flight to be called. She sips a soda and tries to think what the hell she was going to say to Spike when she finds him, and she was sure she was going to find him. He couldn’t hide from her, not now she knew he still existed. She would spend the rest of her life trying to find him, that was her one certainty. Damn stupid vampire.  
Once aboard the plane, Buffy tries to rest, to stop her thoughts going round and round in persistent little circles. Where was he? Angel must know his whereabouts. Why had Giles kept her in the dark? What was so wrong with her that Spike would not try to find her? Did he not love her anymore? A sense of hopelessness suddenly swamps her, she feels like sobbing but tells herself; don’t you dare break down now, don’t let me make a fool of myself on this plane, that would certainly be a new low.  
Buffy touches the tiny polar bear pin and immediately feels a little better. She was fine. She was going to be fine. She was calm. She just had to stop being crying-girl and become finding-girl.  
He couldn’t be at the Hyperion, Angel wouldn’t have invited her if that were the case. He wouldn’t want to be part of the grand reunion. She’d beat it out of him if she had to, or more likely she’d simply beg him to show pity on her. She feels annoyance at Spike for making her feel this way. Where the hell are you, William?  
After what seemed like a lifetime, the plane lands and Buffy makes her way through passport control and collects her one case from the conveyor. She makes her way out of the baggage hall, out onto the concourse and there she sees a young man holding up a card with ‘Buffy Summers’ scrawled across it. Gratefully she makes her way towards him ‘Hi, I’m Buffy’ she said with a self-conscious wave.  
‘Hi, I thought it was you. I’ve seen pictures. I’m Connor,’ The young man holds out his hand and Buffy shakes it, thinking how strangely formal he is ‘I’ll take that’ Connor said, picking up her suitcase. ‘The car’s this way.’


	5. Chapter 5

He mostly dreams about the victims. Their big eyes and open mouths. He can feel their heartbeats, feel their lives flowing into him. They’re just food, nothing more, but some are so sweet while they last. Their hearts slow, then they're empty in his arms. Blonde hair splayed across his body, empty hazel eyes staring up at him.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------  
They chat about how good the flight was, yes she did manage to sleep, the weather here is so much warmer than in London, Connor would like to visit London one day. It’s all small talk and it’s difficult and stifling and Buffy is so grateful when they reach the hotel.  
Angel is waiting. He moves to hug her, and she lets him. He’s big and comforting and currently the most uncomplicated thing in her life. He asks about the flight but she ignores him, she wants no more small talk. He leads her to a seat and goes to sit behind his desk. She notes that Connor also sits.   
‘So why am I here? It doesn’t look like you’re as alone as I thought,’ she smiles at Connor. He and Angel exchanged a look and without preamble, Angels explains ‘Connor is my son,’  
Buffy looks from Angel to Connor, and her hand moves instinctively to touch the polar bear pin.  
‘Darla became pregnant. Connor's birth was a prophecy. He was stolen as a baby and raised in a hell dimension,'  
‘I’m literally five years old,’ Connor smiles.  
Buffy nods. Not so crazy she tells herself. A lot like Dawn. I’m sure altered memories are probably involved here too. That thought makes her smile, and then she’s laughing. Angel has a goddamn child. Angel is a father. How did she not know this?   
‘Sometimes I feel life is going on without me. I’m there, but I’m not. You know? I’m out there slaying and saving the world while all around me people are living lives, having children, and I don’t even know, no-one tells me. Darla huh?’  
Angel looks a little embarrassed ‘Wolfram and Hart brought her back. It wasn't a good time,' He looks at Connor, and his face transforms. So full of love that Buffy feels a lump forming in her throat. Angel is not alone, he is with exactly who he needs to be with. Buffy sees sorrow in that look, guilt too maybe. But not loneliness and not loss.  
‘Well, as we’re playing a game of cards-on-the-table, does anyone want to talk about Spike?’ She hopes that would be a bombshell. She wants to even up the score a little, show that she wasn’t so out-of-the-loopy as Angel might have thought. It was someone else’s turn to be shocked into silence for a change.  
Connor was the first to speak. It seemed Angel didn’t have the words. Buffy suspects Angel was trying to hide some guilt, and she feels a little spark of pleasure at catching him out. You Angel, with your son and your undead life and your mission and . . . and . . . Jealous of someone she was meant to love. Shame replaced the jealousy.  
‘He appeared at Wolfram and Hart’s offices,’ Connor began. ‘He appeared as a ghost. Out of an amulet. I wasn’t here then,’ he looks at Angel. It was his father’s story to tell, but Angel was silent, so he continues. ‘He was a ghost for a while if you can believe that. Like, could walk through walls and shit. Stuff,' he quickly corrects his language, but Buffy doesn’t even notice.  
‘Why didn’t he get in touch with me? Why didn’t you?’ she directs this at Angel, but he doesn’t answer. ‘Where is he now? Is he still a ghost?’ No, she knew that couldn’t be right. Andrew hadn’t said anything about Spike being a ghost.  
‘He has an apartment. I visit, sometimes.’ Connor again.   
Buffy can’t help but feel such contempt for these people. All these months, all these lies and silences. Andrew and Giles and Angel and Spike and all the others who had thought the truth would be too much for her. She’s a goddamned Slayer, nothing is too much ‘Can’t you speak? Can’t you fucking speak?’ she was shouting now. ‘Why didn’t he ring me? Or get you to ring me? Someone, anyone? Pick up a phone, email? Christ, you knew how I felt about him, how he felt about me. What the fuck is wrong with you?’   
Wrong question Buffy, wrong damn question. The real question, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ It must be something so terrible for everyone to keep such secrets from her. Spike came back from the dead, from being burnt to ashes, and yet he didn’t want to see or talk to her. What is wrong with me?   
Angel had his arms around her, soothing her. He hated these outbursts and these shows of immense emotions. Felt lost with it and never knew what to do. Connor hands Buffy a glass, some sort of alcohol. She sits and sips and strokes the pin and feels calmer.   
‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘Tis the season for a Buffy breakdown,’ she tries to smile. ‘So many new things to see and learn, it’s a little overwhelming,’ she sips the whiskey ‘So does this make me an honorary aunt?' she smiles at Connor. Deflecting. Way to go, Buffy, she tells herself, the sign of good mental health and a firm grasp on reality.   
Angel speaks at last ‘He’s not the same Buffy. Living with a soul, it’s not easy,’  
‘I don’t care Angel. I just need to see him. It’ll be alright as long as I can just see him,’ the longing evident in her voice.


	6. Chapter 6

Spike pulls on some jeans and goes into the kitchen. He feels as though he hasn’t slept for weeks, but he knows he has because the dreams wake him. He stands very still for a moment, and the moment stretches out until he doesn’t know how long he’s just stood. He used to be all frenetic energy, now it feels as though he barely moves.  
\---------------------------------------------------------  
Buffy unknowingly chews her lip while staring at the door. Beyond this point is Spike and the thought that finally, her life can begin again. She listens, hoping to hear him moving around, but it’s silent. Not even the tv playing. She knocks.  
The door opens and there he is. His hair a little longer, his dark roots noticeable, bare-chested, wearing only dark jeans. But still Spike, still pale skinned and beautiful, as perfect now as when she dreams him. Buffy can feel her heart hammering away, sure that Spike can hear it too, and he’ll know how excited and fearful she is.  
‘Hello luv,’ he speaks first. He raises an eyebrow, looks surprised, but sounds calm, as though she’s appeared a little too early for a business meeting.  
‘Hi,' she replies, her voice a nervous croak. Trying to mirror his calmness, control her breathing and slow her raging heart. But she finds she can’t do any of those things and instead, on instinct, she steps forward, presses herself against him and winds her arms around his waist. She wants to tell him that she dreams of this very moment. She clings to him, presses her lips to his skin, holds him and digs her nails into his flesh.   
‘Let go luv,' his voice finally gets through to her ‘Let go, slayer,' He grasps her wrists and slowly unwinds her arms. He pushes her, so there is space between them. ‘What are you doing here?’ he lets go of her wrists.  
‘I came to find you. I’ve missed you,’ Buffy reaches out a hand, but he backs away. ‘Spike?’ she hates the sound of dread in her voice. He should be holding her, pulling her to him, not pushing her away.  
‘You shouldn’t be here slayer, you should be off somewhere with your little friends, living your life,’ He stands in the doorway, blocking her, not allowing her in.   
Buffy tries to read his face, hoping to see something she recognizes. She thought she'd see the love there, but there's an emptiness that confuses her. Spike’s face is usually so expressive, his eyes would tell her everything she needs to know. But not anymore. He looks straight through her and the pain that causes is indescribable.  
‘What’s wrong with you?’ she asks as she tries to hold back tears.  
‘Nothing wrong with me slayer, though you seem a little overwrought. Expect you’ll feel better once you’re on your way back to that sweet life you’ve made for yourself,’ he makes to shut the door, but Buffy smashes her foot down, stopping the door closing.  
‘This isn’t you Spike. I know it isn’t,’ her voice is angrier than she means it to be, but she can’t let him shut the door in her face. ‘You love me!’ She knows she must sound crazed, but she’s desperate and she doesn’t understand why he’s behaving like this.  
Spike stares down at her boot. She sees a muscle jumping in his jaw. He meets her eyes and says ‘Gonna force your way in Slayer? You can, I know it. You can break this door down if you wanted. Break me down. Is that how it’s gonna be?’   
Buffy slowly slides her foot from the doorway and Spike closes the door. She remains motionless for several seconds, staring at the door. She wishes she had broken the door down. Smashed his smug hateful beautiful face with her fists. Smother the bruises with her mouth, kiss away the cuts she’ll make on his skin.   
Instead, she backs away until her back is against the opposite wall. She slides to the floor. Spikes has turned the tv on in the apartment. She can’t make out what’s playing. She doubts he’s even watching it, knowing it’s probably for her benefit, he’s trying to make her think their meeting had been so easy for him.  
Connor makes his way up the stairs. He’d stayed in the car as Buffy had instructed, but it had been so long and he knew how volatile this meeting could be. He saw her sat at the top of the stairs, her face tear-stained and her hands balled into tight little fists.  
‘Buffy, maybe we should go?’ he says quietly.  
‘Maybe we should’ she replies, louder than necessary, wanting Spike to hear, ‘But I’ll be back tomorrow and every day after that. Okay, Spike? Every damn day until you talk to me,' for emphasis, she bangs a fist against the door.


	7. Chapter 7

Get your fucking head straight he tells himself. She’s rattled you, that’s for sure, with her clenched fists and ultimatums. But none of it matters because it’s not real. She thinks it is, but that’s just like the Slayer, too bloody deluded by half.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------  
By twilight, Buffy finds herself back at his door. She’s sure her scent must tell him she’s here and he must know now that she isn’t giving up so easily.  
This time, when he opens the door, he’s disappointingly fully clothed. Buffy feels elated; he must have been waiting for her, prepared himself for her.  
‘Never were too quick on the uptake were you luv?’   
She keeps her voice steady. ‘Spike, you let me think you were dead. I grieved for you . . . ,’ He shuts the door in her face.   
Buffy is dumbfounded. She feels immediate anger, wants to beat him to a bloody pulp, then set whatever’s left on fire. But she’s also strangely exhilarated and a smile forces itself onto her face. She doesn’t understand what game they are playing, but she is sure he’s not going to beat her.  
She takes to the floor, her back against the far wall. She waits. At first, she’s afraid to leave, thinking he’ll vanish and she’ll lose him again. She thinks of his face, pale skin and blue eyes, full lips and high cheekbones. She remembers their hands clasped for a moment as the fire took him. She wishes he would open the door so she can tell him that she’ll never let go again. Next time they’ll burn together.  
She sits for an age until her ass feels numb, then she stands and stretches. The hours' pass. She shadowboxes for a while, as though warming up for a fight, but she eventually tires. She wishes Spike would come out so she could throw some punches at him. But he doesn’t appear.  
Connor arrives at first light as planned. Buffy feels defeated, telling him that Spike had shut the door in her face.  
‘I know he loves me. So how can he do these things to me? Ignore me and treat me like this?’ But neither of them know the answer to that.  
The following night she’s back, although both Angel and Connor had tried to dissuade her. She ignored their advice. Tonight she’s bought a cushion, a blanket, some water, a notepad and pen. If Spike wouldn’t hear her, she’d reach him another way.   
Buffy’s pen was poised over the paper. She has so much to say, but now it all just felt too overwhelming. Where did she start? She strokes the calming pin and felt the fear slowly dissipate. She begins to write.  
‘I love you. I know the last year has been difficult, let me help you’  
‘I’ve struggled too. Finding you again is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’  
‘You saved the world, my love, I am so proud of you’  
She tore each page from the notebook and pushes them under the apartment door. She prays each note will be the one to get through to Spike and he’ll drag her into his arms and the world will be right again.


	8. Chapter 8

Spike hears her leave at daybreak. The boy comes to pick her up each morning. She's spent three nights sitting in his hallway. She's even started sending him love notes. He’s read each of them more times than he can count. Bloody stubborn, his slayer.   
\------------------------------------------------------------------  
Angel tries to talk her out of spending another night on the hallway floor of Spike’s rundown apartment building. ‘Leave him be Buffy, he obviously doesn’t want . . . .’ he trails off, but they both know what he was going to say.  
He’s spoken to Giles. The Watcher wasn’t happy with these developments, nor that Buffy hadn’t spoken to him since her arrival in LA. Angel knew Buffy had been suffering; anxious, worried, distant, obsessive. This situation with Spike wasn’t helping her, though Angel wasn’t sure what would help.  
‘Stay here with us. We’ve been called in on an exorcism’ he sounds excited by the prospect ‘We could patrol afterward?'   
Buffy shakes her head ‘I need to talk to Spike, that’s all. Are you ready?’ she directed the question to Connor, who was now used to making this nightly drive.  
Tonight, at Buffy's first tentative knock, the door is swung open.‘Can’t leave a man in peace ‘eh Slayer?’ He sounds tired and she wishes she could wrap her arms around him and give him comfort. Perhaps take some for herself.  
‘You’re an idiot Spike,’ Buffy replies, knowing there’s no comfort to be had. He’s opened the door, this is a start, but she needs him to know how upset she is, how angry and hurt he’s made her.   
‘Funny. I’ve been called worse, mostly by you,’ His tiredness evaporates, just her presence seems to enliven him. He goes to shut the door but Buffy pushes against it.  
‘No,’ she orders. ‘You can’t shut me out anymore. You opened this door for a reason, you want to let me in.’  
Spike stares at her. She pouts. ‘Please Spike, let me in,’. Maybe it was the ‘please’, maybe it was the pout, but the door opens and Buffy enters the apartment.  
‘Thank you,’ she says with a laugh, ‘I don’t think I could have spent another night out there,’ That was a lie. If she had to, she would have spent the rest of her life in that hallway, waiting for him.  
The apartment is small and dusty. He doesn’t clean much. There’s an armchair, books, a couch, table and chairs, a television. The kitchen is to the left; sink, fridge, stove. Two doors lead off the main room, bathroom and bedroom she supposes. It’s nothing like his crypt in Sunnydale, no candles, carpets or cushions. She wonders if he’s hidden his personal stuff away, not wanting her to see.  
‘Is it what you expected?’ he asks, closing the door.  
‘Exactly,’ she lies, again. It doesn't matter though, she tells herself. That I love you is the only truth that matters.   
She sits on the edge of the couch. He stands. ‘You have to stop this Slayer. I don’t know what you want, but you won’t find it here’  
‘Beer?’ she meets his eye ‘Will I find that here? Because I could really do with a drink right now.’ Spike can’t help but smile, he enjoys her when she’s unexpected, he likes that she can surprise him, so she tries to do just that.  
‘Big beer drinker now are we?’ he asks as he goes to the fridge ‘Thought red wine would be more your thing nowadays,’  
Buffy says nothing, just takes the bottle and sips.  
‘Cause, I haven’t got any of that muck here luv, just beer and blood’  
She wants to shout at him but she wants to reach for him too. Instead, she says, calmly ‘Back from the dead huh? Thought you might have been in touch.'  
‘Oh, would you now? As if I'd come crawling back, after your boy told me I should move on,’ He gulps his beer, not able to look at Buffy, his body tense.  
Buffy stays still. She doesn’t understand what he’s saying. Boy . . . move on? She shakes her head.  
‘Don't play coy with me, slayer. I was in Rome. Saw it with my own eyes, didn't I? You and that poncy Immortal,’ he finishes his beer and goes to the fridge for another. Buffy sees how tense he is, how hurt he sounds. Tears spring to her eyes. This is what he believes. This is what he’s been told. He saw something and didn’t question it. He believed she could move on so quickly. The Boy must have been Andrew. Spike must have spoken to him and been told a story.  
Spike slumps into his chair, throws back his second beer.   
‘It’s not true Spike,’ Buffy says. She moves to him, falls before him, her hands grip his thighs. She looks up into his face, ‘It's not true. I don't know what you saw, or what story Andrew told you, but it's not true.' Her hands move to his belt ‘I was in Rome, I've traveled all over Europe,' she undoes his belt ‘Council business. I had nothing else to do,’ she snaps open the button ‘I went out dancing with him. That’s all,’ she slowly pulls down the zip. She keeps her eyes on Spike’s face. He’s frowning. He has to believe her, she has to convince him.  
She strokes his cock, running her thumb over the head. ‘I was lost, Spike. I missed you. Missed everything really,' She runs her hand up and down his length. She moves forward again, wanting to take him into her mouth.   
‘Stop Buffy,’ Spike’s hand stills hers. He slowly pulls her away from him. ‘I don’t want this,’. He pushes her away, zips himself up and moves to stand by the window, his back to Buffy.


	9. Chapter 9

See how I’ve changed Slayer, I can push you away now. I can tell when I’m being taken for a fool. She’s changed too, this isn’t his Buffy. What’s he meant to do, she can’t be here with him, not like this. They can’t go back to that. They’d drag each other down and he couldn’t allow that to happen to them, not again.   
\---------------------------------------------------------  
‘It doesn’t matter anyway. Not the Immortal? Well not me either pet,’ She knows he’s trying to be gentle, but it still feels as though he’s slapped her. All she’s thought about this last year was being in his arms, telling him she loves him, but he doesn’t want her. He doesn’t even want her to touch him.  
‘I’m not the same Buffy. Not the comic relief. Not the fool,’ He turns to look at her ‘It’s this damned soul. Thought I’d die in the Hellmouth and that’d be it. Finally get some bloody peace,’ he laughs. ‘Instead, I came back here. As a ghostie, would you credit?’ Buffy stares at him, she hasn’t moved, she is still kneeling before his empty chair, listening intently.  
‘How could I face you? Thought my death meant something. Shoulda known though, no meaning for poor old Spikey. All spirit and no sodding substance,’  
‘But I love you,’ was all Buffy could say, hoping it would be enough.  
‘Christ Buffy, this isn’t about you, not your tale to tell.’ Buffy can hear the frustration in his voice. ‘You’ve never loved me. Oh, maybe you convinced yourself when I was the dying hero, but now?’ he gives a mocking laugh.   
Buffy realizes the thought that she may truly love him, is ridiculous to him. She's flooded with a sense of urgency, she has to make him understand.  
‘I’ve been waiting a year Spikey,’ she retorts, ‘A whole year, more even, waiting to hear your tale.’ She stood then, hands on hips. She felt humiliated that he’d rejected her, mocked her feelings for him, but she couldn’t let him believe a lit. She was here for him, didn’t he understand that?  
‘Oh, and another thing, you were never comic relief, whatever the hell that may mean!’ her voice was cracking but she couldn’t stop ‘Everything I’d ever known, gone in an instant. You, mom’s grave, the house, all my belongings, everything that meant anything. Just a big hole in the ground’ the tears began to flow them ‘I needed you and you weren’t there. I didn’t even have a picture of you. Lost everything of mom’s . . . all her jewelry. . . her art, her books,’ She was sobbing now.   
Spike sits, his arms wrap around her and he pulls her close. She clutches his shirt, buries her face in his shoulder and lets herself cry. Spike is whispering to her, but she can’t make out the words. He pulls her onto his lap and begins to rock her as though she were a child.   
The closeness, the rocking, the soft words all eventually work to calm her and she’s struggles to gain some control. As he strokes her hair he hesitantly asks ‘And Dawn? You still have her?’   
Buffy nods, rubbing her face against his soaked shirt ‘Dawn’s good, she’s studying languages at University College London. She misses you too, I can tell. I think that’s why we don’t talk so much, it hurts,’  
‘I think you should go, Buffy. You need to get some rest,’ he’s still stroking her hair as he speaks.  
‘I can stay here,’ she replies, she puts her lips to his throat, gently kissing the exposed skin there.  
Spike moves to stand, pulling Buffy along with him. She clings to him, but he’s no longer holding her. She feels the panic rise within her again, but this time she touches the polar bear pin, and she immediately feels calmer. She steps away from him and without another word, goes to pick up the phone from the kitchen wall. She dials the Hyperion and asks Connor to come pick her up.  
‘I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It’s not what I’d planned,’ Buffy tries to lighten the atmosphere. ‘Although if I had, it still wouldn’t have been my worse plan ever, at least no one’s died. Yet,’  
Spike opens another beer and sits on the arm of the chair ‘Some of us are already dead luv,’ he looks up at her with a grin, takes a long swallow of his beer. ‘It’s okay slayer. Lot’s happened in a year and things change. Takes a bit of getting used to I expect,’  
Buffy touches the brooch again, and she begins to relax a little more ‘I love you, Spike. I loved you then, and I love you now, that hasn't changed. You can choose not to believe me, but I won’t stop coming here. Not until I get you to admit that you feel the same about me.’  
Spike shakes his head ‘You can’t love a stranger, Slayer. Even if you do, it wouldn’t be enough. I’m not good for you, not good for anyone. Better you toddle along, get on your merry little way and leave me be. It’d be better for both of us,’  
Buffy knows it's useless to say any more now. She opens the door and makes her way down the stairs and out onto the street. It’s still a warm evening and she suddenly feels the need to kill something.


	10. Chapter 10

She’s still so sodding beautiful. Her hair is still honey blonde, though duller than he remembers. He’ll tell her that, just to catch that flash of annoyance in her eyes, show her there’s still a bit of evil left in him. He felt like a complete wanker for believing she’d fall for the Immortal. A grin spreads across his face, shoulda known she’d be too bloody clever for a ponce like that.  
\----------------------------------------------------------  
Buffy takes a taxi. She’s become irritated with Connor’s small talk and pitying looks. Both Angel and son have become tiresome, neither able to hide their unease at her nightly visits. They begin to remind her of Giles and Willow.  
She’s surprised to see him standing at the top of the stairs when she arrives. She feels her excitement grow. His face is grave, but she doesn’t care, she’s happy and runs up the stairs.   
‘Slayer,’ he nods in greeting.   
‘Hi. Are you going to let me in, so we can talk,’ Buffy says quietly. ‘I promise I won’t fall apart again,’ She moves to him, lets her hand brush against him. She sees his nostrils flare, he’s taking in her scent, she knows he’s smelling her arousal and the effect it has on him.  
There is hesitation, but he’s going to let her in tonight, she’s certain. It’s then she hears footsteps. A woman is making her leisurely way up the stairs. It’s the first person Buffy has seen in the building, apart from Spike. At first, Buffy thinks she must live here, but then Spike turns and smiles at the woman, ‘Hello luv, come on in,’ Spike holds the door open for her.  
Buffy stares. Taller than her, as tall as Spike, dark haired, blue eyes. Her features are soft and rounded, she is smiling at Buffy, but her words are for Spike ‘Bad time?’  
‘No luv, she’s just going,’  
The woman looks at Buffy and says with a frown ‘You’re a slayer. I can feel the power. I hope Spike isn’t in trouble?’ She’s smiling, or just baring her teeth, Buffy can’t tell.  
Buffy shakes her head. ‘Not in trouble. Not with me anyways. Hi, I’m Buffy,’   
The woman looks to Spike, an eyebrow raised. She obviously knows the name. ‘Hi, Mari,’ she introduces herself with a nod. Buffy is sure she sees a flash of something strange in the woman’s eyes. She’s a witch maybe, Buffy thinks, that’s how she knows I’m a slayer.  
Spike ushers Mari into the apartment. Unable to stop herself, Buffy pulls the door shut, grabs Spike’s arm and shoves him against the wall. ‘What are you doing? Why is she here?’ Buffy whispers, not wanting Mari to hear. She doesn't realize her hand is at Spike’s throat.  
‘No need to get dramatic about it,’ he struggles in her grasp and Buffy releases her hold. ‘She’s magic,’ he says, raising his eyebrow and smirking. Buffy punches him. She cringes at the sound of his head slamming back into the brickwork. ‘That’s right slayer. You show me how much you love me pet,’   
‘You used to love to get beaten Spike,’ she replies ‘That changed too?’ She’s never sounded so contemptuous, never felt so provoked. There’s no doubt he’d arranged this. To show her he’d taken Andrew’s advice and moved on.   
‘She’s a bite addict, she likes to get bitten. My bite in particular,’ there’s pride in his voice.  
Buffy punches him again.   
‘You’re feeding off her?’ she can’t keep the shock out of her voice. ‘She’s letting you bite her?’  
Spike is grinning at her now, his tongue curling behind his teeth, he’s goading her. ‘She’s not the only one, lot of addicts out there,’ She goes to punch him again, but this time he blocks her, grabs her wrist, twists, her arm now bent backward.   
‘Now hold on there luv. I was told to move on, so I did. I became a fucking hero Buffy or more of a hero. Just like that wanker Angel,’  
He lets go of her arm and pushes her away. He’s landing open handed slaps on her head, arms and shoulders. He makes fisted jabs to her stomach. Buffy keeps moving, backing away from him, but she stops defending herself, lets her arms drop and lets the hits land.  
‘That’s what I became, a fucking phantom in an evil law firm, run by Peaches himself. Couldn’t leave at first, was being dragged into the fire and brimstone, but Fred saved me. She’s dead now of course,’  
He stopped hitting her then. They stood still and stared at each other, the only sound Buffy’s gasping for breath.  
‘Christ Buffy, I’m nearly as deranged as you,’ he spits at her. He pats his pockets, hoping to find cigarettes.   
The apartment door opens and Mari looks out ‘It went quiet, so I guess it’s safe out here now. Coming in Spike?’ Buffy stares at the floor, holds her breath.  
Spike pushes past Mari, grabs his old duster from the back of a chair, and begins to walk down the stairs. Buffy doesn’t hesitate and she follows him, leaving Mari, with arms folded, watching them go.


	11. Chapter 11

Christ on a bike, how’s it come to this, Spike wondered. He and the slayer trading blows, like some fucked up couple who couldn’t get their shit together. He desperately needed a smoke. Now she was following him like a little-lost lamb. He'd been fine, alone with his depression and insomnia, but birds of a bloody feather can't help but flock together because Buffy Summers was more fucked in the head then he'd ever been.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------  
Buffy falls into step beside him and shyly glances at his face. She wonders if he knew how she had enjoyed their tussle in the hallway. It wasn’t that she enjoys being slapped, she tells herself, but she enjoys being the cause of such excitement in him.   
He comes to a sudden stop ‘You need help,’ he declares  
It’s Buffy’s turn to laugh ‘Are you serious, you. . . ‘   
He cuts her off ‘Yes I am bloody serious. This isn’t you. You’re a mess. You’ve set up home in my bloody hallway. You’re writing me love notes! You’re on the verge of tears all the sodding time. You’re a mental case if ever I’ve seen one, and I lived with Dru for a hundred years. I know a little something about crazy,’ he taps his finger against Buffy’s temple.  
‘You’re comparing me to Drusilla, your psychotic ex-girlfriend?’ She pushes his hand away and feels tears begin to fall. Goddammit, she was not going to give Spike the satisfaction of seeing her cry again.   
‘Is the store this way?’ She can see the neon lights of the storefront up ahead. She can almost feel Spike's bewilderment at her behavior. He catches up with her in a few paces and steps into the path forcing her to stop.  
‘Will you sodding listen! You’ve fought your whole life. You’ve come back from the dead and you’ve seen people you love die. It’s got to have an effect,’. He wraps his arms around her shoulders, kisses the top of her head ‘Listen to me when I tell you that you are in need of help. The sort of help I can’t give you,’ He is kissing her cheek, her jaw, and then her mouth. She allows his tongue to caress hers. The kiss is so sweet and gentle and is a torment to her because she knows it can’t last.   
He slowly unwinds from her and she opens her eyes. He’s stroking her face and she leans into his hand.   
‘I’m not a complete lost cause you know, I do know things aren’t . . . right,’ she says  
‘Not right in the head you mean’  
‘Fuck you, Spike,' she answers, but with a smile.  
He pulls her to him and they hug for a moment.   
‘If I do this Spike, see a counsellor or shrink or whatever, and I’m not making any promises. You have to do something for me,’  
‘Oh do I now?’ he looks down at her, his eyebrows raised.  
‘No more feeding from humans. You might have forgotten, but I’m a slayer. I can’t let that happen, even if they want to be bitten. It’s majorly eww and it stops now,’   
Spike releases his hold on her but takes her hand and pulls her along. ‘And anything else you might get up to with them,’ she adds. She knows it’s a risk to give him ultimatums, but the way he’s been living scares her. She's no longer the only slayer he has to be afraid of, he might meet a slayer who’s not as understanding as her.  
He says nothing for a moment. He begins to pull her across the road to the mini-mart. Just before they enter he stops and pulls Buffy aside. ‘How am I going to live? If I don’t feed or fuck, what else is there for me?’   
Buffy feels an overwhelming need to punch him again but manages to control herself. Amongst his many talents is the ability to always say the very thing that will upset her the most.   
‘We’ve had a bad year, or decade, or maybe life,’ they both smile, sometimes it does feel that way ‘But the way you’re living isn’t of the good Spike. I've sat outside your apartment, I know you never leave. Mari is the first visit you've had in days, maybe the only person, apart from me, you've spoken to in a week.' Spike starts to mumble, but Buffy continues ‘Connor's told me he comes to see you, but you always end up throwing him out. I sort of get that actually, he’s not the most exciting company,’ She makes him laugh and the tension eases.  
‘You’ve given up the fight Spike. You get your meals . . . and other things delivered to your door. What’s happened to the vamp who loved to use his fists and fangs? It feels like you’ve given up,’  
They stare at each other but Spike drops his eyes first ‘This a pep talk is it?’ he asks  
‘Sorta. Yeah. Maybe it is,’ Buffy answers ‘Maybe it’s an intervention. So we make a deal, I talk to someone about my screwed up life, and you give up the take-out,’ Buffy feels proud of herself for remaining calm and sounding, at least to her own ears, quite logical.   
‘No more talk of love?’ he asks, his voice defiant.  
‘No more talk of love,’ Buffy promises. She expects to feel sad, but rather, a strange feeling of exhilaration hits her. He’s going to change for her, he encourages her to change, and she knows that love is in the action, not the word. She's learned that from him.


	12. Chapter 12

Mari had left him with a kiss, sure she would see him again. She'd heard the fight outside the apartment, she knew how volatile Spike and the slayer were. Spike closed the door behind her and leaned against it. He was keeping his end of the bargain, he hoped the slayer was keeping hers.  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
Buffy had left Spike at the convenience store the night before. He’d offered to accompany her to the hotel, but she’s refused. They’d left things in a good place, but she wanted him to deal with his witch, while she planned on how she would deal with her watcher.  
She and Giles had lost that easy affinity they once had. Buffy knew that for a long time, she’d been distant with him. Irritable and anxious when she was forced to spend time with him, relieved when she could make her excuses and leave. Giles had tried to include her in the decisions he and Willow were making, but any sense of involvement felt vague, her role unclear. She didn’t feel part of the team anymore, she didn’t care as she once had. She’d felt lonely, depressed and unable or unwilling to talk about it or change it.   
Now she is sitting in Angel's office, staring at the phone. It's 6 pm in London and Giles would still be in his office, dealing with Council business. She finds herself thinking of Xander and wishes she could talk to him. She thought he would understand what it meant to get a second chance and maybe he’d be happy for her.  
When the Hellmouth was first destroyed, she’d found herself spending more time with Xander. They weren’t interested in the future Giles and Willow were planning for, because neither of them could see themselves there.  
Anya's death and the destruction of his home had taken a toll on Xander. At first, he would attend Council meetings, at Willow's invite, but he wasn't much interested in Council beaurocracy. Because of his injury, and lack of the correct visa, he found it difficult to find other work. He went out on patrol with the younger slayers, but he thought himself a liability and his confidence slowly dissipated.   
He and Buffy had come to rely on each other. While others seemed to be moving on with their lives, they were standing still. Then suddenly, or so it felt to Buffy, Xander decides he doesn’t want to stay in London, he needs to get away. The New Council of Watchers, led by Giles, offered him a roving brief, to find new slayers, explain what their powers were, tell them about the Council and encourage them to make contact.  
Xander had escaped, or that’s how Buffy thinks of it. It’s been four months since she’s heard from him. He sends reports to Willow, but she swears he never mentions anything personal. Xander was Buffy’s last comfort, without him she felt even more lost and alone. Xander is just the last in a long line of men who just left. Giles too had left when things got too difficult.   
‘Good evening,' He sounds clipped and professional. He's not expecting a personal call. Buffy knows he'll have been in the office since 8 am and will be there most of the evening. She suddenly feels incredibly sorry for him. This is his how he’s spent virtually his whole life, dedicated to the work of the Council, taking little for himself. He has no real family to go home to. She wonders if he ever feels lost and lonely, and who he talks to about his problems.  
‘Hi Giles, it’s your runaway slayer,’  
‘Buffy,’ he says her name like a sigh. He’s relieved. ‘How are you?’  
For one horrible moment, Buffy feels like slamming the phone down, but she touches Willow’s pin and her feelings calm.  
‘I’m good. Or better. Yeah, better. I found Spike,’  
There is silence. Buffy knows Giles and Angel have spoken. She holds her breath, hoping Giles will finally be truthful with her.  
‘I’m sorry Buffy. I should have told you.’ There is regret in this voice and she can tell he’s sincere. ‘You must understand, Spike told Andrew not to tell you and at the time I felt I had to respect his wishes,’   
‘Because you always respected Spike’s wishes,’ was Buffy’s scornful reply, but she instantly feels guilty for her cruelty ‘I’m sorry Giles, I don’t want to argue,’   
‘I understand, truly. I’m happy that you’ve rung me, and I’ll do anything I can to help you, I hope you know that?’   
‘I’ve been thinking about Xander recently,’ is her reply, which surprises them both. ‘How lost he’s been. Not just this past year or so, but for a long time . . . What I mean is . . . You and me Giles, we’re watcher and slayer, but I tried to make you more than that. There were times when I thought of you as a father. I think Xander felt the same,'   
‘Oh Buffy . . . ‘ Giles tries to interrupt, but Buffy continues  
‘I know it’s your job, and I was all chosen and stuff, and I know that you love me in your own way, but Xander could have used a father figure. I think he could use one now. I hate to think of him all alone out there,’  
She falls silent because she doesn't know what else to say. She doesn't really know why she's talking about Xander at all, except that it's easier to talk about him than about herself.  
‘I'll find him, Buffy, if that's what you want. I'm sure Willow has contacts, we can find him and make sure he's alright . . . Is that all you rang for?' he sounds hopeful.  
‘I’ve been a bit mixed-up for a while, not all logicy Buffy and it’s been suggested that I might need to talk to someone. Would the Council be able to help? Do you know anyone Giles, who understands our world, who I could talk to, who’d help me figure some things out?’  
‘I . . . there are people, professionals, that the Council has turned to in the past . . . Yes, I am sure I could find someone, leave it with me,’


	13. Chapter 13

He’s looking forward to her arrival now. He finds himself pacing the apartment, waiting for the sun to set. He’s been scribbling his thoughts in a notebook, though he refuses to call it poetry. His life will be duller when she goes back to her real life, but he thinks he might as well enjoy her company while she’s here, now they both know where they stand.  
\--------------------------------------------------------  
Buffy virtually runs up the stairs, because he stands at the top, waiting for her. She doesn’t throw her arms around him as she wants to, but she gives him a broad smile.  
‘You’re chipper pet, had a good day have we?’ Spike asks, returning her grin.  
‘Oh pretty good day, but I’m expecting a better night,’ She goes into the apartment and immediately picks up Spikes duster and holds it out to him. He takes it, raising a questioning eyebrow. ‘We’re going out,’ she says, edging back towards the door.  
‘Err, don’t think so pet. Got everything I need here,’ Spike picks up the tv remote and turns it on.  
‘Err, don’t think so pet,’ Buffy mimics Spikes accent, which earns her a glare and a head shake. ‘There’s something in you that makes you not want to leave this apartment, and that’s not of the good. I should know, I barely left the Council building when I was in London,’  
Spike is pretending to ignore her by flicking through the tv channels.   
‘I know you love a fight. That can’t have changed, with you still being a vampire an all, so I thought we’d go out and find us some trouble,’ Spike doesn’t move. ‘Ok, so truth is, I spike to Giles and it was strange and awkward and I really need to hit something and if you don’t come with me now, that something will be you,’   
Spike turns to her, he’s smirking, ‘Oh yeah, strange and awkward was it?’  
‘The strangest and most awkwardest, so let’s go kill something, please,’   
‘So the Council of wankers are finding you a shrink?’  
‘Or counselor. Someone who knows about slayers and demons and stuff. I'm doing what you asked, so you do this for me,’  
‘Think giving up my gourmet meals and sex life sort of evens the score luv, don’t you?’ he leers at her but puts on his duster.   
‘You are such a pig Spike,’ Buffy snaps, she really doesn’t want to think of him sleeping with someone else, or lots of someone’s, that just hurts too much. She takes hold of his hand and leads him out of the apartment, down the stairs and out into the LA night. Their fingers are entwined, and she happily walks alongside him as he strides down the street. They stop at the entrance to a nearby cemetery. Neither of them had patrolled for a while, and Buffy feels excitement building within her. She lets go of Spike’s hand and pulls a stake out of her jacket.   
It's not long before they hear the sounds they both recognize as something digging it way out of its grave. Spike nods to his left and they are soon looking at a newly dug grave, with a suited man trying to climb out. Spike leans against a gravestone and lights a cigarette while Buffy grabs the dead mans arm and pulls him from his final resting place. This fledge can only growl and lunge at her, so Buffy throws a punch that sends him staggering backward. He rushes forward again, Buffy grabs his head and brings it sharply down to her raised knee. The vampires falls to the ground, Buffy drops to her knees next to him and slams her stake through his heart. He’s dust.  
She turns to Spike, who’s grinning at her ‘Not bad slayer, though a bit quick for my liking. I’m here for a night’s entertainment, I want my money’s worth,’ He reaches out a hand, which Buffy takes, and he hauls her to her feet.   
The next few hours are spent hunting and slaying. They find a nest of nine vamps and revel in dispatching them. They land punches, stagger and kick, whirl and deflect, watching their enemies hit the ground or try to run. They are thrilled to deliver a knee to a face, a roundhouse kick, a blow to the ribs. Spike especially enjoys the sound of the bones cracking and the smell of blood in the air. Buffy finds joy when her stake meets dead flesh and she can casually brush the vampire’s dust from her clothing.   
Spike pulls her close. ‘You’ve got better. Didn’t think that was even possible,’ he praises her, his eyes full of admiration. She feels his erection pressing against her and she knows he can smell her arousal.


	14. Chapter 14

You’re a selfish bastard he tells himself, a sodding soul hasn’t cured you of that. He can’t stop kissing her, touching her. He knows this will just encourage her delusions, make her think there is a chance of the impossible. But he can’t stop, she’s so beautiful and her skin is so soft, and it’s Buffy. He’s loved her forever and supposes he always will.  
\-------------------------------------------------------  
They stumbled and fumbled back to the apartment, stopping along the way to kiss and stroke and squeeze. They are being reckless and risky and neither cares a jot. They fall through the apartment door and Spike tears at her clothing. He kisses her shoulders and throat, sucks her nipples, nips along the top of her breasts. She unzips his jeans and strokes his hardening cock, he groans with pleasure and kisses her mouth. She wraps her legs around him and they stagger and trip to the bedroom. ‘Just want to be inside you,’ he mutters against her hair.  
Buffy pulls his t-shirt over his head and he undoes his boots. They move on the bed and his hand is on her knee, shifting her legs apart, looking at her quim ‘So fucking beautiful,’ he kisses her belly and her breasts, nips her jaw and her neck and she gasps in unbearable pleasure as his hand is on her. ‘Love this pussy, so wet,’ He rubs her clit and she comes quickly, biting his shoulder.   
His fingers are inside her and she comes again. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck,’ her only words. Then his cock replaces his fingers and she clings to him. They move together, building their rhythm ‘Wanna spend my life fucking you...Christ Buffy, so fucking tight . . . Need to come now, come with me luv, come with me,' He's pounding into her, they are so well matched, he’s pushing her closer to the edge, he moves position slightly and he hits that spot deep inside her, and she gasps her pleasure. Spike moves his hand and his finger taps her clit. She screams his name, bucks underneath him, and with one more thrust and one more and one more, he comes. She clings to him, pulling him deep inside her. She holds him there until their bodies quiet.  
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ Buffy says, resting her head on his chest, placing a hand on his stomach.  
‘Well that’s definitely a sign of you needing a shrink pet,’ Spike replies, kissing the top of her head.  
Buffy sits up, letting the sheet pool at her waist. Spike reaches a hand and fingers her nipples. She pushes his hand away ‘Loving you is not a sign of . . . anything!’   
‘Buffy... .,' he reaches up and pulls her mouth down to his, they kiss so a moment, then Buffy pulls away  
‘You’re trying to distract me and it isn’t going to work,’ exasperation evident in her voice.  
‘Would a spot of violence work? I could punch you,’ Spike smirks up at her.  
‘You can be as snarky as you like Spike . . . what was that word? Shirty? You can be as shirty as you like, I know you want me, love me. So what’s the fucking problem huh?’   
Spike shakes his head and climbs out of bed. He wanders into the living room, soon followed by Buffy wrapped in a sheet. Spike finds his cigarettes in his duster pocket.  
‘You can’t light that in here.’ Buffy shouts as a naked Spikes raises the cigarette to his lips.  
‘It’s my bloody flat!’ he shouts back. They stand there for a moment, then Buffy begins to laugh, and it is so charming to hear that Spike can’t help but join in. After a moment he moves to the window, opens it and sits on the sill ‘Is this alright, you bossy bint?’ he asks sarcastically.  
‘You could put some pants on,’ she suggests. Spike ignores her and lights his cigarette. He takes a deep pull and blows the smoke out of the window. He can smell the sunrise isn't too far away, there is a faint glow on the horizon, though he thinks that could just be the LA smog.  
‘I do love you, Buffy, you're . . . amazing,' he laughs ‘That word isn't big enough to describe what you are, but it'll have to do,’. He pauses, wondering for a moment if he should continue ‘Last year I was conned into thinking I was some sort of champion, that I had a destiny,' he takes another drag from his smoke, Buffy stays silent ‘I thought I had Angel's destiny actually if you can believe that? That one day I could be a real boy. I was an idiot. It wasn’t that I wanted it, just that I didn’t want anything, so wanting that filled the space,’ he looks at Buffy and she nods, she understands that need to fill a void inside of you.  
‘I was so easy to manipulate. . . It felt like I’d always wanted what he had. Everything he had... .' Buffy drops her eyes to the floor, she understood; Spike still thinks he was second best to Angel ‘But of course, even as a champion I didn’t really measure up,’ he threw the cigarette through the window and closed it, pulling down the blind.   
‘Then Fred died. Winifred Burkle, you ever meet her?’ Buffy shakes her head ‘She was my friend, which sounds pathetic I know, but she really was,’  
‘Saved you from hell,' Buffy says. She feels a stab of jealousy but says nothing more  
‘Yeah, she did. She was pretty amazing too,’ he smiles shyly, remembering Fred and the care he felt for her. ‘But do you know how she died? Some poncy fucking god took up residence in her body. There's no respect in that is there? Illyria's its name. Looked a lot like Fred, only blue,'   
Buffy waits, but Spike remains silent. She wants to go to him and hold him and tell him that she was sure Fred cared about him, because why wouldn't she, he really was worth caring about. As for Angel . . . she did love him, but it was a habit more than a feeling. She'd loved him since she was sixteen, he was part of her history and she couldn't imagine what not loving him would look like.  
But she doesn't say any of those things. She just goes to the kitchen, takes a bag of blood from the fridge, empties it into a mug and puts it in the microwave. When she returns with the warmed blood, Spike has lit another cigarette. He takes the mug from her ‘Thanks luv,’ Buffy quickly kisses the top of his head and goes into the bedroom. She picks up Spikes jeans and t-shirt and returns to the living room. He takes the clothes from her gratefully.


	15. Chapter 15

He hopes he doesn’t sound too pathetic, but he’s afraid he does. Just like that wanker William, but that’s what a soul brings you he thinks. He knew he must sound pathetic because Buffy was being kind.  
\-------------------------------------------------------  
‘Then Angel had this plan,’ Spike finished the blood ‘Grand bloody gesture. We’d take down the Circle of the Black Thorn. Heard of ‘em?’ Buffy had, but only after the battle, when Giles and Willow had tried to engage her interest in something and thought she’d be interested in how half of LA had been destroyed.  
‘I followed Angel down that bleeding path, I believed it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. By the end of it, I felt like we'd lost, even though we'd won. Fred was dead, Illyria vanished, Wesley dead, Gunn dead . . . but no, Angel had Connor, so he was alright,' Spike knew he sounded bitter ‘What did I have? Bugger all, that’s what. Oh, I have a bloody soul, making me give a piss about everyone I’d lost. . . I just didn't know if it had been worth it Buffy, if all the death and destruction meant anything. All those girls, dead in the Hellmouth and now everyone dead in LA,’  
Buffy went to him then. She wraps her arms around him and holds him very tightly. She strokes his back, as he had done for her days before. They stay like this for a long time.  
‘You have to go, Buffy,' Spike finally says ‘I'm no good for you. I can't help you,'  
‘Let me help you then,’ she runs her fingers through his hair, comforting him as best she can.  
‘It’s no good slayer. I’m no good! It’s this damned soul, I don’t trust myself anymore. You deserve better and I’m not being noble here, I’m being honest,’ he struggles to pull her arms from around his shoulders and moves away from her.  
‘Trust me,’ she’s on her feet, trailing him as he paces around the room ‘We work Spike, we work as a team, we make each other better and stronger. Don’t give up on that,’ Buffy knows she’s begging, but she doesn’t care, this is too important for pride to get in the way.  
‘We work, do we? When did we work then? This soul has given me 20/20 pet when it comes to you and me, and work is the last thing we do,’ he’s sneering at her and Buffy feels tears begin to fall   
‘It’s you that’s fooling yourself Spike, not me,’ she shouts at him, marching into the bedroom. ‘I can’t stay here, or I’ll end up dusting you!’ she throws on her clothes and she can hear Spikes laughter from the other room. It’s then she sees her polar bear brooch and an idea hits her. She unpins it from her jacket and puts it on the small table next to Spike’s bed. Touching it had calmed her and she leaves the bedroom feeling less anxious, but still incredibly irritated.  
Spike is laying on the couch, an arm thrown across his eyes. Buffy slips on her boots and ties the laces. ‘I’m going now, but I’ll be back later. I’ll bring some blood and we can patrol. Okay?’  
Without moving or opening his eyes Spike replies ‘No. Bugger off. Not going to happen,’   
Buffy slams the door behind her, sure Spike will get that message. She runs down the steps and once on the street, she turns to smile up at his window. She feels a moment of uncertainty and hopes that Willow’s magic is strong enough to work on Spike’s thick skull.


	16. Chapter 16

He got the soul to make himself a better man for her, and he finds himself a better man in a worse world. Those times with Dru, dancing and shagging, feeding off millionaires and streetwalkers. They’d had fun, they were powerful, the world was theirs and they feared nothing. Then that sodding chip was stowed in his brain. He could still kill and shag, but he had to take care. Then the love, that’s when his world got really small, existing only in a pair of hazel eyes and the flick of golden hair. For that, he got a soul, and the world became vast again, so full of torment and wretchedness that burning in the Hellmouth seemed a welcome release.  
\--------------------------------------------------------  
Angel was sleeping when Buffy returns to the hotel, but Connor was in the office, eating a breakfast of toast and coffee. He offers Buffy a slice and she suddenly realizes how hungry she is. Connor disappears to the kitchen to make more toast, while Buffy pours herself a coffee and sits at the desk.  
She dials Willow's number, it's just past 5 pm in London, so she's not sure if she'll be home or at the Council. She could be at her coven, or at the British Library which is one of Willow's favorite places. Buffy suddenly realizes that Willow has made a real life for herself when Buffy hadn’t been paying attention.   
‘Hello,’   
‘Hi, Kennedy, it’s Buffy,’   
‘Hi Buffy, how’s LA? Still terrible?’ Buffy smiles, Kennedy, such a confident person, but always so negative, so different from Tara.   
‘Yep, still terrible,’ Buffy replies. ‘Is Willow there?’ the great thing about Kennedy is that she hates small talk nearly as much as Buffy does. In seconds Willow was on the phone  
‘Hi Buffy, Kennedy says LA is . . . el-terribla’ she laughs at her own joke.  
‘Will, I need to ask you about the polar bear pin. Will it work for anyone? Even maybe a non-human anyone?’ Buffy worries at her lip and hopes.  
‘Non-human? Is Angel okay? I could probably whip him up a vamp-friendly potion that would help, maybe something he could mix in his blood.’   
‘Not Angel, Will . . . err... .,' Buffy wishes she had that polar bear pin with her right now, she feels uneasy at Willow’s reaction.  
‘Oh if not Angel, then maybe it’s another vampire with a soul huh? Maybe a bleach blonde, blue eyes . . . ?’ Willow is chuckling again and Buffy can hardly take in her words ‘Giles told me, Buffy. I hadn't heard from you and I was worried . . . .’ her voice trailed off and Buffy felt such guilt.  
‘I’m so sorry Will. . . I’m an el-terribla friend,’ both girls share awkward laughter ‘I know I’ve been MIA this year, but things will get better, I promise.’ Buffy sounds more certain than she feels.  
‘It’s okay. It’s been hard on all of us. I was lucky, my mom and dad got out early and I had Kennedy . . . ‘ Willow trails off again. ‘But hey, Spike! How is he, and you, I mean you two, together?’  
‘That’s what I need to talk to you about Will. The polar bear pin?’ Buffy tries to prompt Willow back onto a less awkward track.  
‘Oh sure, it should. I mean, it’s just a general ‘clear your head, bring things into focus’ sort of spell. I spoke to Lydia, at the coven and she said I shouldn’t make it too specific as that could make the effects stronger and I wanted the spell to be gentle,’  
‘So it’ll work for Spike?’ Buffy asks, a little embarrassed, knowing Willow will have so many questions.  
‘Yeah, should. But Buffy why does Spike need a ‘get your head outta your ass’ spell?’  
‘A what?’ asks a surprised Buffy, Willow doesn’t usually talk like that.  
Willow laughed ‘That's what Lydia and I were calling it when we were putting it together. It clears your mind, helps you focus, calms you down, makes you realize what's important, stops you obsessing about things that don't matter. In a general sense of course,'  
Buffy wishes she could reach across the world and hug Willow right then. ‘That's wonderful Will, that's exactly what he needs... .I’ll explain everything to you when I can and I promise, no matter what happens, when I get back to London, you and are going on the most expensive shopping trip the Council budget can stand,’  
‘Oh forget the Council, my girlfriend’s rich, we’ll just take her credit card . . . ,'. Buffy can hear Kennedy's voice in the background, but can't make out what's said, ‘Ha, Ken thinks there's a limit to how many long floaty skirts one witch can own, how little she knows’


	17. Chapter 17

He’d become close to her over the last few months. Closer to her than to any of his other ‘meals’. He knows it was probably her craft that made him enjoy her blood and her body so much, and maybe the fact that he hadn’t given a damn about much else. So when Mari appeared at his door, he let her in. What did it matter now anyway, with Buffy gone, or soon would be, he’d seen to that.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------   
Buffy waits the day out, she tries to sleep, but that doesn’t seem possible. She listens intently to the noises downstairs, hoping against hope that Spike will appear, finally ready to admit his true feelings for her.   
She lies staring at the ceiling and thinks about him. How stubborn he is, how stupid he can be and how glorious. How he sacrificed his life to save the world, how he cared for Dawn when she wasn’t there. How he made her laugh and fought beside her, how they were so evenly matched and how their bodies called to each other.  
She thinks about how much he’d loved her and how little she’d given in return. How she was so scared of what other people thought about her, she rejected him and vilified him, too terrified to grab for what she wanted because she’d been told that what she wanted was bad and wrong and evil.  
And still, Spike doesn't appear. The phone doesn't ring. Buffy finally gets up and wanders downstairs. It's still light, but Angel is in the office.  
‘Hey, couldn’t sleep?’ she asks  
He shakes his head ‘Connor’s out on a job, it keeps me awake when he works alone,’ Angel admits, looking a little self-conscious.  
Buffy sympathizes, tells him she feels the same about Dawn. They don't really speak as much as they should, but she's always on her mind.  
Angel makes them coffee and Buffy asks ‘How was it after LA went dark?'   
‘It wasn’t good,’ he says with a grimace ‘But we won . . . there were dragons,’ he smiles now, at the memory ‘We couldn’t have done it without Illyria, she was powerful. Of course, Giles sent slayers, and you know how they love a good fight. Pretty good at the clean up too,’  
Buffy sips her coffee, puts her feet up on the desk, ‘And Spike?’  
‘He did okay.’ Angel grudgingly admits, then sees the unbelieving look on Buffy’s face ‘You know Spike, he loves to fight . . . what does he say, oh yeah, there’s guts and glory and nothing else matters, or something like that,’  
‘That’s not it,’ Buffy corrects ‘Its; If you’re looking for fun, there’s death, there’s glory and sod all else, right,’ Angel stares at her, and she feels a blush warm her face.  
‘God, you really do love him don’t you?’ Angel shakes his head ‘Do you remember everything he ever said?’  
Buffy meets his eye ‘Pretty much, yeah . . . When someone you love dies, you go over and over everything, countless times. Silly conversations, angry fights you’ve had, the stuff he said to annoy me, and then when he told me he loved me, which is what really annoyed me . . . So yeah, I remember everything . . . Don’t you remember everything Cordy said to you?’ Angel looks startled and Buffy explains ‘Connor talks about her, he misses her, tells me you miss her a lot too. Things got a bit crazy for while I’m guessing. Cordy was always a force of nature. You’ve got her picture on your desk . . . Am I wrong?’  
Angel shakes his head ‘You’re right. Cordy and I . . . we didn’t get our chance . . . but I cared about her very much,’  
Before he can say anymore they are startled by the phone ringing. Angel answers and passes it over to Buffy  
‘Slayer?’ It’s Spike and Buffy feels her heart quicken and her mouth dry.  
‘Hi,’ she sounds breathless, hoping against hope that Spike has found the pin, touched it, and it’s worked its magic on him  
‘I need to talk to you,’ he says, ‘Can you come here?’   
‘Of course, I’ll come now,’ She says nothing to Angel, just runs upstairs to her room, applies some lip-gloss, runs a brush through her hair, thinks about tying it back, but decides against it; Spike likes it loose. She grabs her jacket and runs downstairs.  
‘There's a taxi on its way,' Angel says, and suddenly giddy, Buffy hugs him tightly ‘Thank you, Angel. For everything,'.  
A car horn beeps, and suddenly she’s gone. Angel goes back to his desk, picks up the photograph of Cordelia. She looks so happy and he wonders, not for the first time if he will find her again in another life.


	18. Chapter 18

This was the proof he needed, this was why she shouldn’t be with him. This is what he wanted, so why did he feel so broken. He feels like he could cry, or kill. Mostly he just feels how fucking unfair everything is.  
\--------------------------------------------------------  
The door is ajar when Buffy arrives. She goes in, calling his name, and is surprised to see the witch sat at the table. In front of her is a small glass box, and inside that lies Willows polar bear pin.  
The world seems to stop for a moment, then the ping of the microwave wakes Buffy from her stupor. Spike has warmed his blood and is taking a long gulp.  
Mari begins to push the glass box across the table towards Buffy  
‘Yours I think,’  
Spike walks past them both and sits on the couch. He takes another drink but says nothing. Buffy can feel him trying to control his anger. The three of them are frozen in place. Each waiting for the other to break the silence.  
‘I . . . Spike,’ Buffy tries to speak ‘It’s from Willow. The pin,’  
Spike’s face seems to crumble for a moment, then darkens and Buffy doesn’t think she’s ever seen him so furious ‘It’s fucking magic Buffy,’ he shouts at her. He’s on his feet now, striding towards her, and she instinctively goes into fighting stance. Spike stops in his tracks.  
‘You think I’m gonna hit you? I bloody should, no doubt, you stupid bint,’ he lowers his voice ‘Just take your nasty little trinket and get out,’  
Buffy stares at him, she can’t seem to make her limbs move. She has to make him understand. He’s got this wrong, it’s not what it seems, whatever he thinks.  
‘It was for me . . . to help me . . . I’ve been sad for so long and Willow wanted to help me,’ She’s staring at Spike, willing him to understand, but it’s Mari that speaks  
‘Why is it here then?’ she asks ‘I felt it as soon as I came in the apartment. It’s some powerful magic,’  
Buffy wants to throttle her, beat her, anything to shut her up. ‘Why is she talking? Why is she here?’ Buffy sounds accusatory, though she knows she has no right to accuse Spike of anything.  
‘That’s got nothing to do with you, now has it? Not anymore. Mari’s told me your pretty brooch can control minds, make you think lies are truth,’ He seems calmer now, but Buffy can feel the pain in his words ‘Why are you playing with magic slayer. This isn’t you, trying to control me like this. It’s not right, and you know it.’  
Buffy is sobbing and tries to move towards him, but he backs away from her.  
‘This just proves to me that we don’t work Buffy. I’m not good for you. . . It’s me that’s made you do this. This is what being near me reduces you to. I don’t make things better pet, I make ‘em a million times worse. I blame the world, but really it's me. It's the effect I have on them around me,’  
He’s crumpled now, small and broken and Buffy goes to him, wraps herself around him ‘No, oh Spike no. You make me so happy. Loving you made me a better person,' she clings to him ‘It's like you said, when you came back, you were a ghost. Well, that's what I was too. I was fading away into nothingness because you weren't there to make me feel real,’   
Spike doesn’t move, his head is bowed and Buffy can see tears falling down his half-hidden face. She falls to the floor so he has to see her, she looks up at him, puts her hands on his face, kisses the tears away. Still, he doesn't speak.   
‘Leave him alone slayer, he doesn’t need you using him like this, just to make yourself feel better,’ the contempt in Mari’s voice is unbearable, and Buffy jumps to her feet and punches the witch in the face. She hasn’t hit as hard as she would have liked, but Mari falls back onto the chair with a cry of pain and stares up at Buffy with fury in her eyes. She doesn’t speak again.  
The physical act has woken Buffy from her inertia. She grabs the glass box from the table and returns to sitting at Spike’s feet. He’s only moved to wipe his eyes, but the tears are still falling, first onto the carpet, now onto Buffy’s jeans.  
‘Don’t listen to her Spike, please. I love you so much, please give me a chance to explain. If you ever loved me, please listen,’  
Spike slowly raises his eyes, so he can look directly at Buffy, who wipes the tears from his face. ‘Give me one chance to explain. I know you don’t trust me anymore, but let me just explain, please,’ she begs, but she doesn’t care, she just needs Spike to listen.  
He stares at her for a moment longer, seemingly unsure of what to do. Buffy knows that every instinct in his body is telling him to forgive her because he always has. Even when she was at her darkest, when she physically beat him and tormented him, he always forgave her. She knows now he’s in his darkest place because of her stupidity, and he cannot forgive himself and her heart is breaking.   
When he finally nods and gives her the chance she needs to make this right, she takes his hand and raises it to her lips and gently kisses his palm.


	19. Chapter 19

He can’t bloody think straight, the witch has got him all turned around. He doesn't know what’s true anymore. He’s lost himself again, just when he thought he’d been found. Sodding fucking wanker that he is. He doesn’t’ deserve her love, he can’t help her, and yet here she is wanting to help him again. It’s all wrong.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
Buffy holds out the glass box with the pin in it. ‘It’s true,’ she says ‘Sort of. The pin, or brooch, or whatever you want to call it, it does work on your mind,’ Spike frowns, but Buffy continues  
‘But in a good way. It can’t change your memories or your feelings of how you think about something. Willow told me she calls it the ‘get your head outta your ass’ spell.,’ she hears Mari snort with derision, but she doesn’t acknowledge her and Spike keeps his eyes firmly on Buffy  
‘I have struggled since the Hellmouth closed Spike. Since you closed it,’ she strokes his hand, ‘I’m so proud of you for that . . . But I haven’t felt close to anyone, I’ve been sort of disconnected and scared. I think I became so scared of losing someone else that I loved, that I sort of stopped loving and closed myself off. I guess that’s just how I deal with things,’  
At this, Spike moved for the first time. He took Buffy’s hand in his and squeezed. Buffy thinks she may burst out laughing with joy, but restrains herself.  
‘So Will made this for me,' Buffy holds up the box. The diamonds seemed to be glowing in the half-light of the darkening room. ‘It stops me feeling anxious. It clears my head, helps me think straight when things get too much for me and I can’t control my emotions,’ She opens the box and takes out the pin. She holds it in her open palm, and she feels a sense of joy flood through her. She knows that if you take away the situation, take away the witch and the anger and the lies, this is how she’d truly feel, completely happy because she was here with Spike. She wants him to know that feeling too because it's more magical than any spell could be.   
‘I love you, and I know you love me, even if you think it’s a bad kind of love, that could hurt me or make me do crazy things, like trying to use magic on you,’ She grins at him then, and she can tell he wants to smile back, but he’s still afraid.  
‘Trust me. Just trust me this once, please,’  
Spike nods again, and Buffy takes his hand and places it over hers. She feels his hand pressing down on the pin. She holds her breath and looks up at him, willing the pin to work and to make him feel the love and serenity she feels.  
‘Buffy,' his voice is hoarse but tender ‘I love you so much, I'd die for you, again,’ he’s smiling at her, his other hand is reaching for her, pulling her to him and he’s kissing her open mouth, Buffy is melting into him. They stay like this for a long time, just holding each other and kissing, their fingers clasped together, the pin between them.   
Then Spike is hauling her to her feet ‘God Buffy, I’m such a bloody wanker, thinking I could decide what’s better for you. That you were better without me. I should have trusted you to know your own mind. You always bloody did,’ They’re laughing and kissing and crying now, neither noticing Mari leaving.  
Spike pulls Buffy towards the bedroom and is trying to undo her jeans with one hand, but Buffy stops him ‘Wait, wait, Spike stop,’ she pulls away from him and drops the pin onto the floor ‘I don’t think I need this anymore,’ she says.  
Spike takes her hand and kisses her palm, as she had done to him, with the same tenderness. ‘I've totally changed my perspective Slayer,' he says, an arrogant grin lights his beautiful face ‘I've been all wrong-headed about this. I think you bloody well do need me, I think I'm the sensible one in this twosome and without me, you'd get yourself into all sorts of bother. Lucky you've got me really, to look after you,'   
Buffy slaps him playfully on the shoulder, takes both his hands in hers, and with a grin on her face, she brings her boot down on the magical pin. It shatters and crackles and then turns to dust, a faint blue cloud rises from it then evaporates.


End file.
